I've been thinking about how quickly we edit our own desires.
Not after we try and fail.
Before that.
Before we even properly admit what we want.
You think, I want more money, and almost immediately add, but obviously I don't need that much.
You want a completely different kind of work, but maybe that's unrealistic.
You want more freedom, more time, a different body, a bigger business, a house that sounds ridiculous when you say the price out loud, a life that would require you to become almost unrecognisable to the woman you are today.
And before anyone else gets a chance to tell you it's too much, you've already done the job yourself.
Very considerate. 😂
I know this because I do it too.
Or at least, I've done it for a long time.
There is a strange comfort in wanting something "reasonable". You can explain it. Defend it. Maybe even guarantee it.
Big desires are much more inconvenient.
They make you ask questions you may not know how to answer yet.
How would I actually get there?
Who would I need to become?
What would I need to stop doing?
What if people think I'm ridiculous?
What if I tell everyone I want it and then I don't get it?
That last one has teeth.
Because once you say what you really want, you lose the protection of pretending you never cared that much.
And I think that's one reason we make our dreams smaller.
Not always because they're impossible.
Sometimes because a smaller dream feels safer to fail at.
I'm getting tired of doing that
I want to know what I actually want before I start negotiating with reality.
Reality can have its turn later. 😂
Because when I sit quietly enough, visualise enough, pray enough, write enough, ask enough questions and stop immediately correcting myself, my answers are usually much bigger than the sensible version.
And I don't think that's meaningless.
I believe in manifestation. I believe in visualisation. I believe in prayer. I believe there are times when you start moving toward something before you can explain exactly how it will happen.
I've had ideas, people, opportunities and strange little pieces fall into place in ways I couldn't have planned in advance.
Call it God, the Universe, manifestation, attention, energy, timing, whatever language makes sense to you.
I'm not particularly interested in arguing with someone about the label.
I'm interested in what happens when I stop telling myself "no" before anything else gets a chance to say yes.
Manifestation still requires real work
That doesn't mean I sit on the sofa and wait for a cheque to materialise under the cushion.
Although, Universe, if you're taking notes, I'm flexible. 😂
I still have to do things.
Sometimes a lot of things.
I visualise the outcome and then I build the website.
I manifest the business and then I send the offer.
I pray for an opportunity and then I have to be brave enough to take it when it turns up.
I write down the money I want to make and then I still have to create something worth buying.
For me, those things don't cancel each other out.
They belong together.
The inner work changes what I can see, what I expect, what I'm willing to try and what I believe I'm allowed to have. Then real life gives me plenty of opportunities to find out whether I meant any of it. 😂
Getting specific about what I want
And lately I've been trying to get much more specific.
"I want more money" isn't enough for me anymore.
How much?
Why?
What changes when I have it?
What does it allow me to do?
Who do I become when money is no longer the first thing deciding every choice?
"I want freedom."
Fine.
What does freedom look like on a Wednesday at 11:20 in the morning?
Am I working from where I want? Do I choose who I work with? Can I take a day off without mentally calculating the damage? Can I help someone I love without checking my bank balance first?
The more specific I get, the more I notice something uncomfortable.
A lot of the things I want require me to stop being the woman who automatically assumes they're for someone else.
Someone smarter.
Someone richer.
Someone luckier.
Someone who "knows what she's doing."
That woman is becoming increasingly inconvenient to me.
Because only a short time ago, building a website, connecting a domain, setting up analytics and running an email list belonged in the category of things other people know how to do.
Now apparently I know how to do some of them too.
That's useful evidence.
It makes me wonder what else I've filed under "not for me" simply because I haven't learned it yet.
I'm allowing myself to want ridiculous things
So yes, I'm allowing myself to want ridiculous things.
I want serious money.
I want my digital products to sell while I'm sleeping, having coffee, reading a book or doing something that has absolutely nothing to do with convincing another person to buy them.
I want a business that grows beyond what I can currently see.
I want to be healthy, strong and comfortable in my body.
I want freedom.
I want to give more.
I want to travel.
I want things I'm still learning how to become capable of holding.
Some of those desires may change.
I hope they do.
I'm allowed to change my mind when I learn more.
But I'm done shrinking them in advance just so Current Me doesn't feel intimidated.
She can be intimidated.
She'll survive. 😂
And if the Universe wants to surprise me, even better.
I'll keep visualising.
I'll keep praying.
I'll keep writing things down.
I'll keep paying attention to strange coincidences, unexpected opportunities and the ideas that refuse to leave me alone.
And I'll keep doing the work that appears in front of me.
Because maybe abundance isn't only about getting more.
Maybe part of it is becoming the kind of woman who can finally say what she wants without immediately apologising for the size of it.
I think that's where I am right now.
I don't need to know exactly how every big thing happens.
I do need to stop rejecting it before I've even begun.
So if you ask me what I want now, I'm trying very hard not to give you the edited version.
And sometimes the answer is wildly unreasonable.
Good.
Let's see what happens.