How to Become the Woman You Want to Be

I've been thinking a lot about the woman I want to become.

Which sounds very deep until you actually try to describe her.

Is she healthier? More successful? Does she have better habits, more confidence, more money? Does she wake up at 5 a.m. every morning looking suspiciously happy about it?

Probably some of those things.

But when I really started thinking about it, I realized I was mostly describing what her life looked like. I wasn't describing her.

And that's a completely different question.

Who is she when nobody is watching? What does she tolerate? What does she walk away from? Does she say what she thinks or rehearse it silently and then say "it's fine"? Does she keep the promises she makes to herself? What happens when she has a bad day?

That woman became much more interesting to me.

I didn't start this because I had figured myself out

Quite the opposite.

There was a period of my life when I barely recognized myself. I had become withdrawn and insecure, I wasn't taking particularly good care of myself, and saying no felt approximately three times more complicated than it needed to be.

I knew I wanted things to change.

And I did change things.

I started therapy. I learned new skills, started a business, read books, journaled, visualized, made plans and tried new routines.

A lot was happening.

And yet there were moments when I looked at myself and thought: why do I still feel like me?

Not the philosophical beautiful, complicated human being version of me.

The same-old-habits version. 😂

That's when this whole idea became much more interesting.

Maybe changing your circumstances and becoming a different version of yourself aren't exactly the same job.

So who exactly are we trying to become?

I don't have one perfect answer.

I'm not sure I want one.

The woman I'm becoming today probably isn't exactly the woman I'll want to be five years from now. I hope she isn't. Five years is a long time to learn absolutely nothing.

But I can describe her now.

She says what she thinks more often. She can say no without preparing a closing argument for the Supreme Court. She takes better care of her body. She trusts herself with money, work and decisions. She finishes more of what she starts. She doesn't need everybody to understand or approve of every choice she makes.

She also laughs, changes her mind, occasionally wastes an afternoon and has days when she gets absolutely nothing impressive done.

I'm not trying to become a machine.

I'm trying to become someone I trust.

And once I put it that way, the whole thing became much more practical.

Look at what is already there

This is where I started with Becoming 366 too.

Before changing anything, notice.

What actually happens during your day? What makes you feel good? What drains you? What are you avoiding? Which promises to yourself have become so negotiable that even you don't believe them anymore?

There is something slightly annoying about paying attention because once you see a pattern, you can't really go back to pretending you haven't seen it. 😏

But you also don't have to immediately fix everything you notice.

That part matters to me.

My instinct is often to discover twelve things I want to change and decide that obviously all twelve should begin Monday.

New habits, new routines, new body, new mindset, new financial decisions, new life.

Very reasonable.

And then Wednesday arrives.

So the first chapter of Becoming 366 starts somewhere much less dramatic: seeing your life clearly. The actual one.

The ordinary version of her matters more

It's easy to imagine the woman you want to be when everything is going well.

I'm more interested in her on a random Tuesday.

When she's tired. When something annoys her. When she doesn't feel motivated. When nobody will know whether she kept the promise she made to herself.

What does she do then?

That question has been surprisingly useful for me because most of life is made of random Tuesdays.

The big decisions matter, obviously. But so do the hundreds of boring little choices nobody applauds.

Sometimes becoming her looks like starting a business or making a huge life decision.

Sometimes it's sending the email you've been avoiding for three days.

Both count.

I'm collecting proof

This is something I'm trying now.

Instead of waiting until I feel more disciplined or confident, I pay attention to the moments when I behave like someone I can trust.

I said I would do it and I did. I spoke when I normally would have stayed quiet. I made the uncomfortable phone call. I stopped asking six people what they thought before allowing myself to have an opinion.

Tiny things.

But enough tiny things and eventually you have evidence.

That's also why the Becoming 366 journey moves from Awareness into Consistency, Courage and Identity. By the time it reaches Living as Her, the guidance deliberately becomes lighter because the point is to start making those choices in your own way.

I'm curious to see what happens when I do that for long enough.

And I mean genuinely curious.

I'm not writing this from the future with perfect habits, unlimited confidence and a beautifully organized spice drawer.

I'm at the beginning too.

Some things have already changed. Some are changing. Some are apparently planning to take the scenic route.

Fine.

Maybe that's what becoming actually is

I used to think there would be a clearer line between the old me and the woman I wanted to become.

I'm starting to think there probably isn't one.

There are choices I make differently now. Things I notice faster. Things I'm less willing to accept. Promises I'm getting better at keeping. And there are plenty of things I still want to work on.

Maybe one day I'll look around and realize that some version of the woman I used to imagine has quietly become normal.

By then, knowing me, I'll probably have invented another version.

I'm okay with that.

I have 366 days.

Let's see what happens.